SIMON from Population Growth (by Aoise Stratford)

This play is set in a busy bar/cafe. SIMON has come to meet CHARLOTTE for a blind date that was organzied online. He's never seen her picture or spoken to her in any way and he is very nervous. This is his opening monologue, given to the audience. Running time 2 minutes. A slightly condensed version of this monologue is available in the Smith & Kraus Ultimate Monologue Book, Volume 4.

SIMON

Don't mind me, I'm waiting for someone. You go about your business, finish your meals...I'll just wait over here. (a beat)

The woman I'm meeting, (smiling) and yes, it is a woman, a very lovely woman if you must know--I mean my brother likes to joke about me being gay, has done since we were in High school. He's never grown out of it, but it's just a kind of in-joke thing now. Anyway the woman I'm meeting asked me to wait by the window. She's not here yet, so she must be en route. That's French, did you know that? En route. In transit. (a beat) It's hard to tell isn't it? You know when a place gets a little crowded, a little noisy, lots of people rushing around calling out "Another goats cheese ravioli over here, Sid,"   "Hey Martha, how are you?"   "Can I get the check?" "Can I get your phone number?" Well you get the idea.   I'm just saying it can get a little...overwhelming. You know. All that activity. It can be easy to miss a person if there is a lot of commotion around. So, being a very sensible woman, Charlotte asked me to wait here by this window. You know, kind of like a landmark. So she'd know where to look. (a beat )

Do you have the time? (a beat) I guess she's a little late because of the traffic. I think there was an A's game on or something. I really should have paid better attention to that. I'm not much of a sportsman. Sorry, Sportsperson. I don't much care for baseball. Very unAmerican of me, I know. But you know, I'm also a very, very open person. Open in a lot of ways. Open as in honest and open as in...open to suggestions, open to new experiences. So if, for instance, it so happened that Charlotte was really into baseball, in a big way, I'm sure that wouldn't be a problem. (a beat) I just don't like crowds much. (a beat) Not that I'm claustrophobic. I just don't like...Well you know what it is? I believe we are all individuals. I believe that each and every one of us has merits, you know, qualities. And we deserve individual attention and respect. It's not like I'm a Buddhist or anything. Not that I have a problem with Buddhism, oh no, au contraire, my good amigos. I am, as you know, an open person. Open, that is, to Buddhism, or anything else. (a beat)

Where was I? Oh yes, crowds. So the thing about crowds is, they don't make you feel like an individual. That is why I am not a fan of crowds. Because I believe we are all special. Even a fellow like me, huh? We can't all be good looking and confident, like my brother for example. (awkward laugh ) I'm sure she'll be here any minute. I'm sorry if I've been...rambling. Please, don't mind me. Go back to your coffees or whatever you have to hand and I'll just sit here and admire the view.

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